Sweet Surrender Sweet Solace

Life's road has it's bumps and blind corners.  And even if at first appearance, the road is beautiful, there is always the next bend.  As life drivers, we must expect mishaps and the unexpected. While I have no intentions to quit driving, I've got to remember, who ultimately is the one in control.  Who is the maker of this vehicle I'm driving?  God is.  He's always with me, carrying me, sitting beside me, and sometimes He takes the wheel, whether I insist or not.  Who do you ultimately want to drive you around?

It's so easy to forget that I am not in control.  It's one of my continuous battles.  I believe, for some, this isn't as hard of a task as it has been for me.  "Handing it over" to God or someone else isn't my repoirtoire.  I'm not comfortable with someone else "doing it" for me.  I fight my pride and the empowerment in taking ownership when I accomplish something. Heck, I fight the urge to take over what should be fun projects with my own kids.  But, when confronted with the concept that I can do everything...?! Well, I feel just plain ridiculous.

I've been asked recently if I believed God could change my daughter's lifestyle.  And despite the obvious immediate answer, I was struck at how my head stuggled to absorb the truth of it.  I think the control tendency in me handicapped me for a moment.  I had to trust that if it's God's will, it will happen.  That meant I had to let go.  I could continue to pray and hope, but God ultimately is the decider, the doer.  The power of faith.  The power of God.  It sounds so cliche', but I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Such a simple idea, but if I invest my heart into believing what God can do, I'm not as preoccupied with what I can't do.  My heart feels so much lighter just thinking about it.

Even if one might suggest advice, or an opposing direction, one thing I know for sure is to turn directly to God for council.  And if I'm still not sure about what I should do, I need to take a look at my Trust in God inventory.  Have I surrendered my doubts and my fears, to Him?  What a sweet trusting act to give my insecurities to God.  And what a sweet gift He gives to me in return.  Solace in my faith.

Farewell, 2013!

Birthdays have gone

Pieces carry on

Worries are left to mend

Mysteries lie around the bend

As another year goes by

 

Hellos, goodbyes

We’ll manage to try

Still sorting the rearranged

Smiles remain with much to gain

As another year goes by

 

Steps we’ve taken

Some worth makin’

Awakening from sleep,

The senses can be buried deep

As another year goes by

 

The spits and spats

And fancy that’s

Send the stoic into fear

All managing to survive the year

As another year goes by 

 

The snow, the spring

A lazy day swing

A breeze and a grin

We’ll treasure and recall when

As another year goes by

 

Bounds and leaps

Intentions we keep

We’ve stumbled down roads

We’ve plowed and we’ve sowed

As another year goes by

 

We’ve danced and played

Have tried to obey

We’ve lost and learned

Were rewarded and burned

As another year goes by

 

We’ve grown and aged

We’ve turned the page

May we hope to find

Much peace to our minds

As another year goes by

Nicole, 12/09/13

Covered  5/2/13

In a shadow
Waiting for a clearing

Passing time we tire
Clarity awaits

Following clouds
Linger and hover above

Morning or midnight
The sun does exist

Storms brew
Suffocating humidity

Trudging on
Convinced of tomorrow's light

Independence....it holds a lot in it's meaning. One could apply its definition to ways of thinking, doing, handling, coping.....The freedom to make a decision entirely on one's own. Not HAVING to but having the choice to.

"What do you do?"

My husband was born, raised, and grew up in our small town where we live.  I on the other hand had lived in several towns.  He works at a prominent company that employs a good portion of our town's community members.  I don't.  He's well known and he knows a lot of people.  We frequently attend community events, go to company dinners and parties, and quite commonly see people he knows during simple trips to the store.  It's been almost 15 years since I've lived here and even though I've accumulated many "associations" it still amazes me what legacy (little legacy) my husband possesses.

There's those predicaments, those awkward pauses when whoever he's re-associating himself with at the time, the person will turn towards me and ask (as if there's no other question they can come up with); "So, what do you do?"  I can honestly tell you I haven't yet mastered this comeback.  Replying: "I'm a housewife" still struggles to sound dignified.  "I stay home with the kids" for most people doesn't suffice.  But it occurred to me that I should attempt to answer these gnawing, poor judgement minded people by quite simply saying; "I grow things".  As if our self worth is based solely on "what we do?'.  Well, maybe it does.....but is it really the correct question to choose to ask when meeting someone for the first time? 

What we do.  How we reap life's benefits.  What we do with our job in life and how well we do it.  Do we take pride in our accomplishments?  Are our intentions true and just?  Do we value our minds and choices given?  Yes, what I do with my life is important.  I value, I treasure my role.  I enjoy my life and relish all the good and even the bad...afterwards  Are we proud of how we handle challenges and do we overcome them?  Do we appreciate what God has given us and how do we use Him in our lives?  Despite being proud of what I do, it's the task of explaining and conveying it in a way that another would adequately measure the same as I - that is a chore. 

So, the next time when that person for some reason sincerely (or not so sincerely) wants to know "what I do"....I'll simply reply; "I grow things."  If they proceed to ask and really want to know exactly what I grow I'll go on to tell them;  "Oh you know, lots of things.....children, animals, plants, minds, hearts, values, morals,...."

OVERTHOUGHT 6/12/12

Restlessness perseveres

Time consumes more than mind.

Retire the binding thoughts

That remind of the unforgotten.

We race against reason

Controlling theories and assumptions.

Tune out the lurking critic;

Admit to nothing.

Insomnia prevails

For the heart is loud.

Twisted rationale

Blinds realism.

Our vulnerable state

Fails to control yesterday.

THE DAY IS JUST AS MUCH MINE....

AS IT IS YOURS.

So, maybe I'm currently having an internal battle with my inner green eyed monster.  The two of us battle for "time" on occasion.  Envy is not a complimentary attribute so I normally try to avoid having it shine through.  However, there are times when I feel "the day" is not mine.  It is everyone else's.  My day evolves around other people that are around me.  Kind of a warped solar system.  Maybe I'm an odd, unique planet or a moon.

I lose continuously to the game of owning the day.  Between preparing for someone else's event or trip and organizing everyone else's schedules my time is defined by the fragments and crevices that fit (and sometimes don't fit) within those times.

I'm all about giving and selflessness.  I believe you've got to give to even appreciate receiving.  But, sometimes, sometimes....I'd like to be planned around, accommodated to, and be given a day all my own (without the guilt).