Go Figure

I figure I've missed a lot this past year being so occupied with trying to control the day. I figure I've sacrificed my peace of mind while fighting to control my peace of mind. Make sense? You think you're confused, imagine a life changing event that changes your "norm" so drastically that nothing is left to control. Giving up what you've found comfort in, drowning in new tasks and juggling time while trying to maintain your daily role. It had been all about gulping down every moment without breaths in between.

Baby raising is hard. Baby raising while you have a life is even harder. Someone once said, "being a mother is the most unselfish, demanding jobs there is". But, when you combine "giving your all" while trying to incorporate my control-freak, stoic personality, it does not go over well. I had offers of help that I turned away, determined that I could do it ALL ON MY OWN. My husband began begging me to let him do things, and I stubbornly declined. Unfortunately, during this parade of strong will, I also turned my back on my faith. I had a lot of faith that I could do it all, but not enough faith to give some of my challenges up to someone who could handle it better that me. Rather than distributing some of that weight I was bearing, I suffered alone.

I'd like to say that I've perfected my mistakes, I've corrected my wrongs, but I'm still learning and trying to sort things out. My shoulders still ache from this past year's load. I've let go of some things and continue to accomodate and adjust to life's turns. I'm learning to lean on my husband and God just a bit more. I figure life is lonely when you walk alone and the baggage does get lighter with someone there to help. And despite the notion of taking pride in being independent, there's credit to those who can stay humble and accept help during the most trying of times. So, I'll take a little of that credit, in the meantime, I'm figuring it all out.

"Free" 03/30/08

Turn and fail
Rise and conquer
Smile and shout
Here and there
Despite lost attempts
You still follow
My mind allows
Only at a distance
You run
You stomp
I ignore and avoid
No more attention
Will leak out
You dare
You riddle
I laugh
But not at you
For the moments
Are free now
For me to relish
The rope is cut
Chains are broken
Glass shattered
I am my own.